Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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