He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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