at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
