I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize