You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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