I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
