dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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