david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
