I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
and you fell through a lawn chair
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
