Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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