I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
