i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize