I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
