my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
