It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
