last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
