Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
