I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
