look no pants
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Farmville is her only friend.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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