nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
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