One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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