my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
