Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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