Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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