R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
