she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
