ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
