Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
