i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
