life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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