I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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