from now on my penis is your penis
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
