Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
