I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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