If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
