Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
