ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
