Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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