A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
