I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My vagina just recognized that song.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
