Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize