Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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