So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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