i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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