Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
