Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
one two three fourrrrnication!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
