allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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