Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
