I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
