So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
