I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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