Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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