Taylor Swift is so right about you.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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