I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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