Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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