4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
