it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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