If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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