the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
