Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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