There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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