Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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