Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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