Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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