I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
